This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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