I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
