i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My pussy is not your playground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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