Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
