Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
