i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
