I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
