The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
