We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
