i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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