Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
