We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
