I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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