possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
