I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
