AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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