so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
