I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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