I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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