just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
