tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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