I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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