Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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