Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
