1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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