Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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