FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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