i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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