Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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