You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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