Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
