If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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