Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
