Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
