My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
