So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
