I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
