There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We left an ass print on the piano.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
