at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
