Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
