I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
