I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
