she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
