I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
