if i can run in heels then i can drive
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
