Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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