At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
