got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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