I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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