Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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