Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You left your phone here
Wait...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
