i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
