I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
