Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
